Learn English – Meaning and sentence structure of “Why would we have thought otherwise?”

I think OP's basic premise is mistaken (Here are about 5,700 results from Google Books for "I have wanted to ask", so it's certainly not true that we never say it.

And in some contexts ("I've always wanted to ask", or "I have wanted to ask for some time now"), Present Perfect is arguably more natural than Simple Past "I wanted to ask".

As OP suspects (and as backed up by his comment re 2,120,000 GB hits for "I wanted to ask"), the Simple Past form superficially seems almost 40 times more common.

Whilst I agree Present Perfect really is less common than Simple Past in OP's "polite question" contexts, the preference is nowhere near as marked as those figures suggest, since most of the 2,120,000 instances reference past time in a "narrative" context (where only Simple Past works).

But even allowing for that, I'm sure there's still a preference. I don't disagree with Barrie's point about Past Perfect Continuous (I have been wanting to ask) often displacing Present Perfect (I have wanted to ask), but there's at least one other factor in play here...

Both Past Perfect Continuous and Present Perfect imply strong links to the present moment. But in OP's primary context, "I wanted to ask [you] [some question] is often just a fairly meaningless "deferential introduction to an interruption" (a bit like the polite throat-clearing "Ahem...").

In such situations, the speaker is deliberately trying to create "distance" between himself/his words and the "present moment" (that's why we say "I wanted to ask" rather than "I want to ask" in the first place!). Obviously it would be counter-productive to use a verb form that's specifically adapted to linking events in the past to the present moment.

1. I’m sure all of these variations are commonly used and understood to mean roughly the same thing. “I would have thought…” essentially means “I believe you should have understood what I meant,” or “that should be obvious.” “I thought that was obvious” is a simple declaration that sounds more like the speaker actually gave the matter some thought.

2. “I should [not “would”] have known,” means that she realizes, after finding the boys, that she should have expected to find them where she did. “I knew you would be here” is similar, but means that she went straight to wherever she found the boys based on her knowledge of their habits. Both phrases might imply some disapproval of their being there. “I would know” (or “I should know”) is not a possible substitute for your sentence. As a complete clause, it’s more like “you can take my word for it,” or “take it from me,” implying some experience of a situation, often said ruefully or with a little chagrin.

3. “I don’t/wouldn’t know”: There wouldn’t be much reason to answer “I don’t know”; it’s more direct to just say that you weren’t there. “I wouldn’t know” might be employed where there’s some displeasure, like if B thought he should have been invited to the party but wasn’t. The “would” in “I wouldn’t know” is present tense; “I wouldn’t have known” is not possible here because it puts it in the past tense.