[RPG] Being ignored as a player in multiple campaigns

dnd-5egroup-dynamicsproblem-gmsocial

A couple of friends and I have been playing dnd 5e together for a couple of years. They both take turns dming and I'm a player in the games of both.

One of the DMs however always ignores me in campaigns while the other players get whole plot arcs and there have been about 3 campaigns where the both of them have left me out fully. I never got talked to by NPCs in any of the campaigns and never got asked what I wanted to do and if I suggested something it just got overruled.

They have agreed to fix this behaviour but the one dm keeps leaving me out and the other player doesn't help that. I don't know what to do as I have brought up how upset this makes me and took breaks from dnd but they won't play dnd when I'm not there so I feel obligated to go to sessions. They have gotten better at including me but sometimes it just feels like it is still the same.

They also sometimes comment on how I play the game and make me feel extremely judged. I am just there to hang out with friends and not be a professional dnd player but any time I do something not perfect they always make an off handed comment about it.

In other social situations they are great fun to be around and include me equally.

What should I do? Should I just stop going to sessions or talk to them again?

Best Answer

No Easy Answer

Unfortunately this is a complicated situation with no quick fix solution. It sounds like you have already tried talking to them about it, which is our normal first advice. Your friends have acknowledged the issue but failed to fully address it.

I have a few points to make and only you will be able to judge what is best for you and your friends. Firstly though I want to tell you that your desire to feel included and enjoy playing with your friends is valid and you shouldn't just ignore feeling this way.

Talk to them again

Talking to others about a problem is never easy, but neither is it a one time thing. It is unrealistic to expect behaviour to change after a single conversation. Instead it should be an ongoing discussion, give and ask for feedback after sessions. Keep and open channel of communication so that you all know what is working and what isn't.

One player in my group had an issue with preemptively starting combat that frustrated the rest of the party. We discussed it, at length, for several months before we saw any real meaningful change in his behaviour. What finally worked was giving him encouragement and respect when we recognised he was making an effort. After many sessions of conversation the last few of that group have been some of the best of the entire campaign and largely due to the improvement in his behaviour.

If we hadn't persisted with feedback, communication and encouragement we would never have got to the good place we are in now. If you want to play with these friends and enjoy it, you need to persevere with having the difficult conversations.

Look at your own behaviour

Without being at the table I can't know for sure what the cause of the issues is. However I often find that problems are never entirely one-sided. It is worth taking a look at how you are acting during sessions and ensure you are doing everything you can.

Some things you can consider:

  • Are you being pro-active enough during sessions? Do you actively try to participate or just wait until called on?
  • Are your characters invested in the world/story? Do you create characters with strong backstories and connections to NPCs and story arcs within the campaign?
  • Do you hesitate or slow down gameplay by being unprepared?

Maybe you do some, none or all of these things. Maybe it's something else entirely. But you should have a good look at your own gameplay to ensure that you are contributing your best.

You mention that they sometimes comment on how you play the game and you feel judged by it. It may be they are trying to give you a some constructive feedback but you are viewing in as judgement.

No D&D is better than bad D&D

You are not obligated to spend time doing something you don't enjoy. If you truly feel you can't resolve the issues you are experiencing you should stop playing. You are not responsible for whether or not they choose to play. You are only responsible for your own actions and enjoyment.

Maybe try playing with some other people, maybe see if you can add another player to the group. If the current group dynamic isn't working for everyone, it is time for a change. My group had a issue with the party deferring to one player who was a real life role-model to most of them and the most confident roleplayer. I brought in an experienced player with no connection to that player and the dynamics improved instantly.

Whatever you choose to do, remember that RPGs should be fun. If it's not fun, change it or stop playing.