From the looks of it, water could run right around your grate to the door. If the walkway is sloped toward the grate on both sides, that would probably help when the rain is light, but when it is heavy it will run right around it.
I would install a grate that runs across the whole width of the walkway. Under the grate, I would have a trench about a foot deep with about 6" of gravel. In the middle of the trench, I would dig a hole another 24" or so deep and put your bucket with the sump pump in there.
It would also help to either move the trench closer to the door or grade the walkway so that the couple feet from the drain to the door slopes toward the drain. If you move it, it should at least be inside the "drip line" from the eves/overhang on the house.
Another option, if possible (hard to tell from the picture) would be to cover the walkway.
Just noticed this question was never answered, but I did wind up closing everything up later that year and never had any issues. I sold the house earlier this summer (2020).
I figured that, if rigid foam insulation was acceptable, then any kind of moisture barrier would be, too. The rough texture of the cinder blocks and mortar joints would allow for at least some air movement, and worst-case, any mold that might happen to form would be trapped behind the moisture barrier.
So I covered the wall in the thickest plastic sheeting I could buy. I stapled it to the sill plate at the top to keep it in place, then tucked the bottom edge into the flashing for the interior French drain. Any water that comes through the brick wall now hits the backside of the plastic sheeting and runs into the interior French drain.
Once that was done, everything else was generally finished as pictured in my question. I used pressure treated lumber, ripped it into furring strips, used concrete anchors to attach them to the wall, removed the vapor barrier from the fiberglass insulation (to allow the wall cavity to breathe into the room, because the plastic sheeting is a vapor barrier to the exterior, insulated the cavities, then drywalled over everything.
I did everything on the up-and-up so, while I'd bet someone has something to say with how this was done, it passed framing, insulation, electrical, and finish inspections, and the house passed the home inspection when I sold it.
Best Answer
Knowing very little about your home's design, I can only say that it's unlikely that you'd cause problems by excavating along that wall. Backfill soil is almost never a structural component of a building. In fact, it causes many problems.
It is possible that you'll encounter drain tile or other utility items that you'll need to deal with. Drain tile that's above the footing would need to be routed elsewhere or left in place.