Social Scripts for escaping an unwanted Sexytimes RPG

What I'm seeing in your question is that you don't have a D&D group, you have a sexytimes fantasy roleplaying group. Being in an RPG group that's not what you thought it was is a more basic problem* than getting your D&D players to change behaviour, because you don't have D&D players.

(It's not that D&D can't include sexuality, or even can't be totally about sexuality like this, but for your purposes “friends, let's play D&D!” didn't result in a D&D game as most people — and you — understood the proposed activity. You got something totally different.)

Break it down: you proposed playing D&D, but your friends aren't interested in exploring the wilderness, heroic adventures, fighting monsters and looking for treasure, debating queens and emperors — or any of the many things that a D&D game usually consists of. They strongly resist any inducements to adventure, and resist your attempts to reduce the sexytimes roleplaying.

So you have a group of friends interested in exploring their and each other's sexual fantasies, as a group.

That's the diagnosis of the situation. Now for the solution.

Since you don't have a D&D group, proceed accordingly

Do you want to have a weekly sexytimes roleplaying session with your friends? No rhetorical question implying inherent judgement there — it's the question you're faced with and it's a fair one. Some people might say “actually, yes.”

But I'm going to assume, based on your question, that your answer is a clear “no”.

Since you don't have a D&D group, you should stop trying to make your sexytimes fantasy roleplaying group play D&D. Accept that they already aren't playing D&D as you understand it, and proceed accordingly as if you don't have an established D&D group — you don't.

That's the conceptual shift you need to make. Now here's a social script that you can use (directly, or for inspiration) to move forward in the actual situation you're in:

Before your next game — another social gathering, a meeting to discuss the game, or over email, whatever works — talk to your friends about the weekly game.

Hey friends. I realise now that what we want from our roleplaying group is different. I want a traditional adventure game that's similar to fantasy novels and shows, and I'm not getting that. You want to have a game that's focused on sexytimes† — and that's fine. It's just not something I'm interested in doing.

So I'm going to step down as the DM. I want you to continue enjoying your roleplaying game, but it always has been yours, not mine. I may or may not participate — honestly, probably not — but in any case I won't be running it. That also means that I won't be trying to make the rules and accidentally cramping your style either (*grin*).

I don't know which of you might want the DMing role, but I'm happy to give advice to whoever ends up stepping into that job. If you're all thinking that DMing sounds no fun, well, just remember that the DM gets to have many sexytimes characters. Maybe it'll have benefits you don't expect.

So that's just what I wanted to say. I'm glad I introduced you all to something you enjoy so much.

Whether using that directly or something else, it's important to stick to talking about yourself and your wants, and what you are going to do — and when you do mention their activity preference, that it sounds generally happy for them. This helps you avoid going anywhere near accidentally being judgemental.

Not only is avoiding judgement philosophically important because hey, consenting adults can do what they want with their imaginations, but it's super-important for getting what you want, which is your friends' active acceptance of your feelings and choices for what you do next. Someone who feels judged isn't listening or in a position to be understanding of what you feel, need, and choose. You don't want them to fight about this, just accept what's already true — that you're moving on, and that's fine.

Now, that might be it. You've stated that you want different things, and (super-important) you've said what you are doing without implying that there's any negotiation, or that you need their permission. You're just an adult exercising your adult prerogatives to decide how you use your time, and you're not throwing them any shade in the process. All good!

So now what if they object? I can think of one that might have led to this situation:

“But roleplaying is about being able to do anything!”

Yes, sure, but “anything” doesn't always mean that the people in a group are interested in the same “anything”. No one game can contain everything, so you have to pick and choose what your roleplaying “anything” ends up actually being about.

But that's still a misconception I can imagine leading to your present situation, and if so, it might come up and it's good to have a similarly non-judgemental, self-possessed response lined up, just in case. So, another script to use or munge as needed:

Absolutely, roleplaying lets you do anything you want. What we want to choose off the menu of “anything” is just different, that's all. That's okay. Some people like to read or watch heroes being heroes, some people like to read or watch space adventures, and some people like to read or watch stuff with lots of sex in it. Our tastes in roleplaying don't have to match, just like they don't have to match in other entertainments.

So do you have any idea which of you might make a good DM? Or hey, maybe you don't need a DM. It's not actually a necessary job in some roleplaying groups. I can get you some resources‡ for that, if you like.

This responds to the misconception, again without judgement, and then (super-important) redirects the conversation to something that includes moving past this issue, so the conversation stays productively focused on what they want to do next, because you demonstrate that you're already decided about what you are going to do.

* There is an excellent article series on the basic problem of playing completely different games at the same table, how to solve the problem, and a group-discussion tool that's popular to help dodge the problem entirely with new groups (aptly called the Same Page Tool).

† “Sexytimes” is a playful term in my own social circle's idiolect. If it's too unusual for your social group, by all means use a more appropriate term! I chose “sexytimes” because, where I am and for us, it conveys lightheartedness without any suggestion of being mocking or judgemental. Any term that is neutral and light would fit my intentions in these scripts.

‡ i.e., ask us a question to help us help your new-DM friend or your new GMless-roleplaying friends. :)

We have only your description of the situation to go by, and therefore we can't fully know the situation. However, what I gather from your description is that your behavior is a very significant part of this problem.

You are enforcing your own tone on the game

For starters, I recommend you to read about My Guy Syndrome, because it sounds like a significant contributing factor to the problem at hand.

You describe your character thus:

My character is fairly chill, chaotic neutral and will often get distracted for a few moments looking at something or talking to someone, as it fits into her character. She will often be the one to push the button in the middle of the room, or lick the wall etc. A real yes character trying not to block anyone else's ideas.

I highlighted the last sentence because it gives me strong MGS vibes. While you take care to point out that your character is very permissive of other peoples' ideas, the way you're playing that character is also enforcing a very particular tone on the game. To draw a comparison: a singer in a barbershop quartet might allow anyone to sing in any key they like, but if they only sing in one key themselves, the others can't produce all the harmonies they'd like!

For instance, suppose your fellow players want to play a serious fantasy story. You don't see people licking walls or pushing nuclear launch buttons in, say, Lord of the Rings or Narnia; certainly not the protagonists, at least! If that is the tone others in your group expect, the way you're playing your character is actively detrimental. Not permissive, but obtrusive.

Other examples point towards the same direction:

When everything is getting a bit too serious during times that are not serious, my character may do something to bring the story back to life.

This sounds to me like you are putting in an effort to keep the game from becoming "serious" – taking into account that other players might want a more serious game than you, you should realize that your actions can be seen as directly counterproductive towards an enjoyable gaming session.

For example tonight we were having a long rest, and my character was having a bit of fun and while they slept, put mud on their hands and woke them with a feather...when they woke they got a muddy face. Nothing major, just a little prank. It's not real.

This is another example of you taking the tone of the game into your own hands. As you say, "it's not real", but as you've seen yourself it's still very possible to ruin others' fun through it.

In a nutshell, you frame the problem as the other players being too restrictive while you are just "trying not to block anyone else's ideas". However, to me it seems you're repeatedly taking control of the game to inject your brand of silliness that the others seem not to want. I'd recommend taking a step back and really, really critically analyzing your own behavior and thinking things through before resuming play with the group.

Setting expectations

There is no single right way or wrong way to play RPGs. The only thing that matters is that everyone enjoys themselves, and no one gets hurt. In order to do that, you must reach a consensus on what kind of a game you want to play: silly, serious or downright angsty? Hardcore tactics or freeform MacGyvering? Grievously hard, forgiving or something in between? Et cetera, et cetera.

No consensus is ever perfect and there is no foolproof way to avoid conflicting expectations on what the game is going to be like, but you can reduce the amount and intensity of conflicts as well as ease conflict resolution by working towards establishing a culture of open communication around the table. Do not be afraid to tell the other players what you expect out of the game, but also listen to their expectations. Tell what you would like to happen, listen when they tell their side. Work out agreements instead of pushing your own way until everyone hates each other.

One popular tool we use for this is the Same Page Tool. It looks like a survey, but it's actually intended to be used as a conversation starter among the whole group, not filled out individually. It covers a range of topics that are common points of strife in groups that do not discuss their expectations beforehand. Do not hesitate to fill in the gaps based on your personal experience: you should definitely have a talk with your group about whether the levity you've been injecting in the game is working as intended for your peers.

Finally, I recommend beginning each TRPG campaign with a Session Zero, as well as having smaller discussion sessions before or after each or every other normal session, to continuously gauge the group's feelings and desires for the game. I'll stress that these are not things that only the GM should care about: everyone in the group can contribute to creating and maintaining a culture where you can work together towards the game that makes everyone happy.