[RPG] Conflict with a new player

problem-playerssexuality

So I started GMing in this huge sandbox world I've prepared over the last 6 months. At the beginning, everything was fine and I was able to start a campaign with 4 players whom I've known for a while. One day, I ended up inviting this friend, who's a really nice guy, but turned out to be a pain during the game.

During character creation, the guy insisted on playing a pansexual elf noble with a 20 page long backstory he made. I was fine with that, but I warned him that we were playing in a realistic medieval world, and that his sexuality would not be perceived well, especially as a noble. I was thinking it could be interesting to add a bit of flavor and that I could use this in my plot for the future, so I ended up saying yes.

My players are part of a mercenary company which have been hired by an Empire on the edge of collapsing, victim of a big invasion in the east, and corrupted in its heart, full of political intrigue.

Seemingly, this player doesn't care about the plot, as he spent all his first game ignoring the plot to pursue his own goals, ignoring the company rules, and taking more time to develop his own lore instead. Speaking about his lore, the whole thing seems to be about his sexuality, the guy tried to copulate with every male PC/NPC that he encountered, and pushed hard to describe his romance with a human noble that is completely irrelevant to the company. He also engaged in awkward sex role play, where he described precisely how he banged that peasant he met last night in the tavern.

At beginning, I was so confused that I just let him do his stuff, trying to hook him back in the story from time to time, but after one month, I started to notice that my other players are getting really troubled by his behavior, some of them even telling me that he his ruining their fun.

Let's be clear, I've nothing against RP romance in my games, even if it's gay, but we are all getting tired of being always getting pulled out of the campaign by this guy who plays with us like if we are on one of this creepy internet sex RPG forum.

Firstly, I am not really comfortable role playing sex, and the same goes for the other players. In previous campaign, we already dealt with sex, but it was always kind of "off screen" scenes. Everyone seemed to agree on that way naturally, and we never spoke about it. Secondly, romance or social fights have never been our main interest, we love dark fantasy and political driven games, and that's what I intended to do in this campaign. I like romance as a side story, to improve credibility of some PC's motivations, but it should not be the main plot, at least in my group.

There is a WAR going on, tons of political intrigue and an entire Empire is about to explode. We don't care about those 5 sex scenes he described (I'm not even kidding, he played 5 sex scenes in our last 3 hours game), we don't care about all the LGBT questions he pushes in each game. We are in a medieval world, the concept of LGBT is non-existent, so why is he always trying to talk for hours about that?

Last time I tried to talk to him about that, he started getting angry about me forbidding him from playing HIS character that he took so many hours to handcraft, at the end almost accusing me of being homophobic. This guy is really a good friend outside of the game, I don't want to destroy our friendship, but there is no way I can continue to invite him to play.

How should I deal with the player's sexual role playing? How do I handle the deal with him ignoring the plot to do so? How do I handle the rift between the PC's sexuality and setting? Most importantly, how do I do all of this without destroying my friendship with the player?

Best Answer

I believe that some of the answers and respective comments are missing the point. Whether OP's setting is a sandbox and whether a fantasy medieval setting can support LGBT characters is irrelevant. The heart of the problem is that this particular player, with his behaviour, is making the OP and every other player in the room uncomfortable. Let me explain:

First of all, this is an X-Y Problem (also see here).

You are asking:

How should I deal with the player's sexual role-playing? How do I handle the deal with him ignoring the plot to do so? How do I handle the rift between the PC's sexuality and setting? Most importantly, how do I do all of this without destroying my friendship with the player?

However, the solution is unrelated to dealing with the player's sexuality. By reading your description it is clear that the problem is that the player does not care whether the rest of the players are having fun or not.

Pen & paper games are team games. Their purpose is for everyone in the group to have fun.

So let's break down the facts:

Seemingly, this player doesn't care about the plot, as he spent all his first game ignoring the plot to pursue his own goals, ignoring the company rules, and taking more time to develop his own lore instead.

Based on this, the player impedes the natural progress of the story which is disrespectful to your hard work and to the rest of the players.

He also engaged in awkward sex role play, where he described precisely how he banged that peasant he met last night in the tavern. [...] I started to notice that my other players are getting really troubled by his behaviour, some of them even telling me that he is ruining their fun. Let's be clear, I've nothing against RP romance in my games, even if it's gay, but we are all getting tired of being always getting pulled out of the campaign by this guy who plays with us like if we are on one of this creepy internet sex RPG forum.

Based on this, his behaviour has a direct negative effect on the rest of the players. He is making others feel uncomfortable and ruining their fun (which is the heart of the problem).

Overall, not only his behaviour is unacceptable at every level but, at the very least, good etiquette suggests that when you enter a new group you should try to accommodate the group's standards and behaviour.


What You Should Do:

  1. Talk with the rest of your players first. Describe to them your feelings and ask them if they feel the same. Ask them how they feel about him as a player and how they think you should deal with it. Their opinions matter more than ours.

  2. Confront the player. Very calmly explain to him that the background of his PC is not the problem. The problem is that as a group, you highly value story progression and the way his PC acts he gets in the way of this.

Hopefully, after this, the player will have understood that this is not about him and his portrayal of sexuality, rather it is about the group having fun. If he does not get his act together after this:

  1. Give him an ultimatum. Either he makes sure that everyone in the group is having fun or he's out.

How To Not Destroy Your Friendship:

This part of the question may not be suitably answered by rpg.stackexchange.com, I'd suggest interpersonal.stackexchange.com instead. That said, you owe it yourself and to him to treat him with respect no matter how frustrated you feel. State your feelings in a calm manner, hear him out and make it clear that you want the problem solved with him remaining in the group. If he does not understand/appreciate this then you've done everything you could.


How To Avoid This In The Future:

Before inviting someone in your group run a Session 0 with them. Session 0 is an out-of-game session where you discuss with your players what is expected from each one, what is allowed and not allowed, and overall how to make sure that everyone is having fun. (1) (2)